Saturday, February 26, 2005

what a blast!!!



this is me and ma gurl!!!


shh.. this is the real me...



it was just minutes now that i've realized MORE how lucky i am for having such wonderful and very happy life! and i now strengthen my idealism and the "purpose" God gave me --- to give strength to others! i have discovered that purpose since high school. i have obsereved that God doesn't give me so much problems as others have. at first i was quite sad about it. i thought God thinks im not strong --- for they say that God only give trials if he know we can handle it. but to what i've experienced, i haven't had what i call "heavy" problem. and then ive realized that god has a better plan for me --- by giving strength to others...

and i am very much happy for it....

and contented for what life is continuosly giving me...

this is my OWN first short story...

K A T R E
mauzinisterice


Isang gabing ako’y nagninilay-nilay sa isang sulok ng isang estrangherong silid, may mga alaalang pilit na tumungo sa aking diwa, na waring nag-iimbitang aking balikan. Mga alaalang pumuno at nagbigay-buhay sa panandalian kong pananatili sa di permanenteng katauhang sa aki’y ipinahiram at mga pangyayaring pilit na nag-uunahang bumalik sa aking kamalayan. Hindi ko na tuloy namalayang umaagos na pala ang nagpapaligsahang patak ng luha mula sa aking mga matang nawalan na ng ningning, dahil marahil sa alaala ng aking nakaraang sumukob sa aking kabuuan. Ah! Tila yata’t ako’y nagsisimula na namang dalawin ng aking mapang-angking emosyon --- mga emosyong malimit pumukaw sa aking ulirat mula sa pagmulat hanggang sa pagpikit ng aking mga mata. Lahat! Lahat ng mga pangyayari’y tila nakaprograma na sa aking utak. Ngunit iisa lamang ang nakapagpapakalma sa akin --- ang nag-iisa kong katre --- katreng di ko na maaari pang mahihigaan.

Noong ako’y musmos pa lamang, ang aking katre’y nagtataglay pa ng malakas at matikas na tindig na tila humihikayat sa sinumang makakita na ito’y sunggaban at damhin ang kaginhawahang maibibigay nito. Ngunit sa ngayon kaya’y naroon pa rin ang kakisigang taglay niya? Kumupas na kaya siya’t napag-iwanan na rin ng panahon? Kunsabagay, ilang beses ko na bang pinukpok ng martilyo’t binaunan ng sandamakmak na pako ang ilan, o di kaya’y halos lahat na ata ng parte ng aking payak na higaan? Ilang litro na rin ba ng barnis at pintura ang aking inubos upang panatilihin ang kaakit-akit nitong anyo? Ngunit magkagayon ma’y marami-rami na rin ang pinagsamahan namin ng aking katre. Ilang luha na rin ang pumatak sa kanya dahil sa mga kabiguang aking nalasap buhat pa sa kamusmusan. Siya ang aking santungan --- pinagkukunan ng lakas. Naaalala ko pa nga noong ako’y malimit paluin ng aking… ina nga ba ang nararapat ituring sa isang babaeng di ko naman kaanu-ano? Isang babaeng nagmulat sa mura kong katawan sa mabibigat na gawaing-kalye. Oo. Bata pa lamang ako’y nagsimula na akong magtrabaho --- naging kargador, tiga-tulak ng mga sasakyang tumitirik sa baha tuwing tag-ulan. Kusabagay, pabigat lamang daw ako. Mabuti nga raw at ako’y kanya pang kinupkop nang ako’y makita nilang umiiyak at naglalakad ng walang direksyon.

Biyernes noon. Araw ng Quiapo. Maraming tao. Ako’y natagpuan ng mag-asawang hindi biniyayaan ng anak` na umiiyak at naglalakad na tila may hinahanap sa bangketa ng Quiapo. Mga tatlong taon daw ako noon. May suot daw akong relo ni Jollibee, naka-short na maong at asul na t-shirt na may bolang pumupopot sa gitna. Hah…! Hanggang ngayon pa ata’y nakatago pa iyon sa ilalim ng katre ko.

Kung tutuusi’y hindi naman talaga ang kinagisnan kong ina ang nagnais na ako’y kupkupin. Yung asawa niya --- ang nagpadama sa akin ng tunay na pagmamahal. Ngunit iyo’y panandalian lamang --- sapagkat ako’y kanyang nilisan at iniwang mag-isa sa piling ng mapang-abuso niyang asawa. Naaksidente siya sa trabaho niya sa construction. Nahulog siya sa ika-7 palapang ng isang establisyimentong kanilang binubuo. Kahit na ako’y nasa walong taon pa lamang noo’y labis ko iyong dinala sa loob rin ng ilang buwan. At tanging isa lamang ang naging karamay ko --- ang aking katre.

Sa ganoon lumakad ang panahon. Sa ganoon umikot ang aking mundo. Lumaki akong di man lang nalasap ang tunay na kahulugan ng laro. Di ko man lang nakabisa ang mga letra sa Ingles, dahil hanggang elementarya lamang ang natuntong ko. Di rin ako natapos dahil wala nang amang tutustos sa akin. Walang direksyon ang aking masalimuot na buhay. Ngunit sa wakas ay nakawala na rin ako sa hawlang binuo ng nakagisnan kong ina. Nilisan na rin niya ang mundo dahil sa sakit na goiter. Mag-isa na lang ako sa aming mumunting dampa.

Hindi lumaon, napabilang ako sa mga kabataang naging patapon ang buhay. Nalulon
ako sa iba’t ibang uri ng bisyo. Alak, sigarilyo, droga, marijuana, at kung minamalas at walang pambili, rugby lang ang katapat. At dahil sa wala akong tinapos, hindi ako tinanggap sa lahat ng disenteng trabahong pinasukan ko. Ang resulta, wala na akong pantustos sa bisyo ko. Kaya tuloy napilitan akong gamitin na ang laman na tanging hindi nabanat at nagalaw mula pa sa aking kamusmusan. Nagbenta ako ng laman --- panandaliang aliw. Mga babae, bakla, matrona, o kung minsan pa nga’y mga lalaki. Mapuputi, maiitim, matatanda, bata, teen-ager --- yan ang mga costumer ko. Hanggang sa maging star dancer ako sa isang gay bar dala na rin marahil sa taglay kong kakisigan. Dito’y nalimot ko na ang katreng lagi kong karamay at kakampi dahil sa iba’t ibang kama na ang hinihigaan ko.

Isa sa mga gabi ng aking pagtatanghal, ang aking “Big Night,” ang mga suki kong matrona’y may ipinakilala sa akin matapos ang aking palabas. Tulad rin nila --- naghahanap ng lalaking kakanti sa kanilang libido sa katawan. Ngunit tila siya’y iba sa kanila. Iba ang pakiramdam ko sa kanya. Disente siya at hindi garapal. Maganda pa rin siya bagamat di na maitatago ang ilang linya sa kanyang mukha. Sa una pa lamang ay alam kong magkakasundo kami.

Mabilis lumipas ang panahon. Di rin nagtagal ay naging regular na kostumer ko na siya. At dumating pa ang puntong gabi-gabi na kung siya’y magpunta ng bar at di na ko tumeteybol sa iba --- sa kanya na lang. Ang resulta, nagkaroon kami ng relasyon. Isang malalim na relasyon. Humantong pa nga iyon sa pag-uwi ko sa kanya sa bahay ko. At ang katre ko --- nahigaan ko ulit. Ngunit di na iyon tulad ng dati. Sapagkat may kasalo na kong dadagan sa kanya at magtatampisaw sa kaligayahan sa pusikit na karimlan ng gabi. Muli ko na namang nakasama ang katre ko --- ngunit ngayo’y sa kasiyahan ko naman siya kasalo. Sapagkat noon ko lamang nadama ang tunay na pagmamahal mula sa isang kauri ni Eba na kahit ang kinagisnan kong ina’y di naipadama sa akin. Buti na lamang at ako’y nahantong sa ganitong buhay at nadama ang tunay na pagmamahal. Salamat na rin sa aking kinagisnang ina…

Hah! Sumasakit ang aking ulo. Mag-uumaga na naman. Bukas, makikita at makakasalamuha ko na naman ang mga magugulo, ngunit totoong tao dito. Kung maaari lang sana’y ayoko nang umalis dito… nais kong mas tumagal pa ang pagsasamahan namin ng mga taong kasama ko rito. Ngunit ilang buwan na lamang at ako’y aalis na rin…
Haay… araw na naman ng dalaw. Siguradong malulungkot na naman ako dahil sa inggit. Itong isa kong kosa, dinalaw na rin ulit ni misis. Napatigil tuloy ako’t naalala na naman ang nakaraan… ang buhay ko noong kapiling ko pa ang aking mahal…

Wala na siyang pamilya. Yan ang kuwento niya sa akin. Ngunit di naiwasan ng kanyang mga pagkakaila ang utos ng tadhana. May asawa siya. Tatlo ang anak. Nang siya’y aking kumprontahin, di na niya iyon naitatwa. Nagtapat na siya sa akin. Sinabi niya ang lahat lahat. Kung papaano niya naging kabarkada ang dati kong mga suki, kung papaano siya natutong magpunta ng gay bar, kung bakit siya napunta sa akin.

Nasira ang kanilang relasyon ng kanyang asawa nang ang kanilang kaisa-isang bunsong anak ay mawala. Labinsiyan na taon na ang nakalilipas nang ito’y maganap. Namasyal sila noon at nagsimba sa Quiapo dahil noo’y Biyernes, araw ng Quiapo na nataong kaarawan naman ng kanyang mahal na bunso. Pinamili nila ito ng mga damit. Sa sobrang katuwaan nga ng bunso nila’y isinuot kaagad ang bagong asul na t-shirt na may bolang pumupoput-popot sa gitna. Lalo pang nasiyahan ang 3 taong bata nang ibigay nila sa kanya ang pinangarap na relo ni Jollibee. Ngunit nang siya’y maghanap ng CR at iwanan ang kanilang bunso sa kanyang esposo, bumalik siyang wala nang nakitang bunso na sasalubong sa kanya. Napabayaan ng kanyang asawa ang ang pagbabantay rito nang may makitang kakilalang babae at kinausap. Ang masaklap pa nito’y natuklasan niyang ang babaeng kausap ng kanyang asawa’y kanya palang kalaguyo. Dahil sa pangyayaring iyo’y di na muling naibalik ang dati nilang magandang patitinginan. Humantong pa nga iyon sa pananakit sa kanya nito.
Pag-uwi ko ng bahay, akin muling naalala ang katreng lagi kong karamay. Mahaba-haba na rin pala ang panahong di ko ito nasarili. Napansin ko tuloy na ito’y tila nangungulila na sa akin. Ako’y muling nagmuni-muni rito. Sa aking pag-iisip ay mayroon akong naalala --- ang kuwento ng aking kasuyo. Di ko mawari kung bakit ang pintig ng aking puso’y bumilis ng bumilis. Tila ba ako’y mabibingi sa bawat katagang bumabalik sa pandinig, “Labinsiyam na taon na ang nakalilipas nang mawala ang aking bunso…” Napatigil ako. Nagsimula akong kilabutan. Pakiwari ko’y ako’y isinasalang sa isang pugon dahil sa tila walang katapusang pagtulo ng pawis sa aking katawan… ako’y beinte uno na ngayon at tatlong taon nang ako’y matagpuan ng aking ama sa Quiapo… Quiapo! Sa Quiapo nawala ang bunso nila! Hindi ito maaari…hindi! Hah! Ngayon ata umiipekto ang gamot na tinira ko kahapon eh… Isa lamang ito sa mga kahibangan ko! Ngunit ang relo… may relo rin ako ng matagpuan… at yung t-shirt na asul… Aaaahhh!!! Hindi… kailangan kong limutin at alisin sa aking utak ang kabaliwang ito. Ngunit ako’y di makatulog. Buwisit! P----- --na!!!

Hinanap ko ang relo ko nung ako’y matagpuan sa may Quiapo. Hinalughog ko ang kabuuan ng aking kuwarto at sa ilalim ng katre ko ito natagpuan na kasama pa ang asul na t-shirt sa isang kahon. Naroroon pa rin at di pa burado ang aking dating pangalan… “ICE MARU”… malinaw pa!

Sa aking kalituhan, sa kalaliman ng gabi, alas-11, dali-dali akong tumalima sa utos ng aking isip. Tinungo ko ang isa sa dalawang address na ibinigay sa akin ng aking mahal dala ang aking nag-iisang relo. Ngunit di ko natagpuan ang aking kasuyo. Tanging ang kanyang matandang asawa lamang ang aking dinatnan. Nasa isang address ito. At pagkakita pa lang sa aki’y ako’y kanya nang itinaboy at pinagmumura pa. Dala marahil ng halu-halong emosyong sumukob sa aking kabuua’y nasakal ko ang matanda hanggang sa ito’y malagutan ng hininga. Dagdag pa ng pagkasuklam na nadama ko sa kanya dahil sa pambubugbog niya sa aking minamahal. P-------na! Problema na naman ito!

Sa aking pagkasindak, iniuwi ko ang bangkay matapos ko itong balutin ng sangkatutak na kumot at sineal ng package tape sa tulong ng isang taxi. Sa bahay, inisip ko kung saan ko ito maaring itago. Tama! Dun sa hindi mahahalata. Mabuti na lamang at may kalayuan ang mga kapitbahay ko. Nabili ko na rin ang bahay at di ko na aalalahanin kung may magpupunta pang ibang tao roon.

Paglipas ng tatlong araw, may isang di inaasahang bisita akong dumating --- ang aking kasuyo na nangungumusta sa dahilang di ako nagpunta ng gay bar sa nakalipas na tatlong araw. Hindi ko alam kung papaano ko siya haharapin --- di ko alam kung ano ang aking sasabihin. Kaya ang nasabi ko na lamang ay nagpahinga lamang ako dahil di ko pa iyon nagawa sapul nang magsayaw at magpa-pick-up ako sa gay bar. Ang sagot niya'y mas maganda raw kung sinabihan ko siya upang nasamahan niya ko sa aking pagpapahinga. Sa katagalan ng aming usapan, nasambit niya niyang nawawala ang kanyang asawa. Nagitla ako sa aking narinig. Nagpanting ang aking mga tenga. Kailangang maiba ang aming usapan. Mahal ko siya. Ayaw kong mamuhi siya sa akin. Ang tanging nagawa ko na lamang ay ayain at akitin siyang magtampisaw muli sa tubig ng pagkakasala. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang kung ano ang pumapasok sa aking katauhan at iyo’y nagagawa ko pa. Siya ang aking ina --- ngunit tila nangingibabaw ang aking pag-ibig para sa kanya! Subalit di pa naman ako tiyak kung siya nga ang aking ina.

Bigla siyang natigilan. Bigla siyang napapitlag sa isang umaalingasaw na amoy ng isang bagay na di maipaliwanag kung saan nagmula --- nakasusuka, nakapandidiri. Alam ko na kung ano ang kanyang tinutukoy… Pilit ko siyang inilayo sa gayong kaisipan at pinilit na ituloy ang aming pagtatampisaw sa karimlan ng umaga. Ngunit mapilit siya. Sinabi niyang kailangan ko daw malaman kung ano yun dahil maaari daw iyong maging mitsa upang ako'y dapuan ng sakit. Sa sobrang pag-aalala, ako'y nataranta. Hindi ko na naitago pa at ipinagtapat ko na kung ano ang kanyang kanina pang naamoy. Nabigla siya --- hindi ko alam… pero tila yata't ako'y nagsisimula na niyang kasuklaman. Ngunit ako'y nagkamali. Sinabi niyang siya'y wala nang pakialam kung anuman ang nangyari sa kanyang asawa. Wala na daw siyang pakialam. Kaya itinuloy ko na lamang ang pagtatrabaho sa kanya at pilit ko siyang pinaligaya. Ngunit nang kanya nang aalisin ang aking pantalon upang muling matikman ang katawan kong nalaspag na ng trabaho'y nakapa niya ang isang bagay na bumukol sa aking bulsa --- ang nag-iisa kong relo. Nang ito'y kanyang tingnan, siya'y nasindak at napatigil sa kanyang ginagawa. May mga luhang namuo sa kanyang mga mata. Tinanong niya ako kung saan ko iyon galing. Itinanggi kong iyo'y akin sapagkat natatakot akong maganap ang tagpong aking kinatatakutan --- ang malaman ang katotohanan. Nagsimula siyang umiyak at magkuwento tungkol sa kanyang bunso. Yun daw ang relong ibinili niya sa bunso niya nung sila'y namasyal. Hindi raw siya maaaring magkamali! ICE MARU ang pangalan ng kanyang bunso. Tumigil sa pag-inog ang mundo ko. Sapat na iyon upang ako'y magising sa isang bangungot na nilikha ng panahon… ICE MARU ang tunay kong pangalan ngunit ito'y iniba lamang noong ako'y tuluyang ampunin ng mag-asawang kumupkop sa akin. Aaahhh!!! Mahal ko siya. Mahal niya ako. Ayoko ng harapin ang katotohanan. Ayoko na…

Tuloy siya sa pagkukuwento. Ngunit siya'y lalong nagitla nang makita ang asul na t-shirt sa sofa ng sala. Pilit niya akong tinanong kung kanino at saan ko iyon nakuha. Hindi ko na nakaya…sasabog na ako…niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit --- mahigpit na mahigpit. Walang nang emosyon sa aking mukha. Napagod na ata ang aking mga matang di na pumikit sa tatlong araw na pag-iisip. Sinabi ko sa kanyang ayaw ko, ngunit pilit na pinatutunayan ng mga pagkakataon. Isang sigaw ang binitawan ko… “INAAYYY, NANAY KO…!!! Pero MAHAL KITA… MAHAL NA MAHALLL!!!”

Tumigil siya sa pag-iyak. Kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya. Nakatingin siya sa kawalan, nanginginig. Ako naman ang umiyak. Hinalikan ko siya sa labi --- isang mariing halik. Ngunit di siya sumagot. Tinitigan ko siya. Nagulantang ako nang siya'y tumayo. Humagulgol siya't tinungo ang pinto. Humarap siya sa akin --- tumawa… malutong na halakhak. Matapos ay tumakbo papalabas at nagsisigaw. Hinabol ko siya. Ngunit di ko na inabutan.

Nagulat ako nang tapikin ang aking balikat ng kosa ko. Hindi ko na tuloy naitago sa kanila ang dali-daling bumagsak na luha sa aking mga mata. Kakain na pala --- tanghalian na.
Ang oras ay lumipas. Ang araw ay napakabilis. Ang mga pahina ng kalendaryo’y mabilis na nababawasan. Ang dating estrangherong silid ay naging kaibigan ko na rin. Sa katagalan na rin siguro ng panahong itinigil ko sa dito’y nakabisa ko na ang apat na sulok ng silid na ito. Ngunit ang katreng hinihigaan ko, kahit magpasahanggang ngayo’y di ko pa rin lubusang matanggap bilang kaisa sa aking pagharap sa buhay. Iba pa rin kasi ito mula sa katreng dumamay at kumalinga sa akin. Puno pa rin ako ng kanyang mga alaala at ng kanyang kaginhawahan. Nasaan na kaya ito ngayon?

Matapos kumain, tinawag na ako ng isa sa mga guwardiya ng bilangguan. Niyakap ako ng mga kakosa ko bago ko nilandas ang daan patungo sa tumatawag sa akin. Kinausap ako ng taong nakaupo. Ngunit parang di ko siya maaninag at marinig dala ng nakabibinging alaalang bumabalot na naman sa akin.

Ilang araw matapos ang pagkumpronta ko sa katotohanan, ipinagiba ko ang aking bahay. Ngunit hindi pa ito natatapos ay may mga pulis nang sumundo sa akin. Isa raw ako sa mga suspek sa pagkawala ng isang matandang lalaki.

Mabilis lumakad ang mga kamay ng orasan at napagtibay ang mga ebidensiyang laban akin --- natagpuan ang bangkay ng lalaking nakabalot ng mga kumot at package tape sa giray giray kong bahay sa ilalim ng isang katre. Napatunayang ako'y nagkasala.

Dahan-dahang lumiliwanag ang paligid. Isang lalaking nakaputi at may suot na krus at dalang makapal na libro ang nakahawak sa aking kalbong ulo ang naririnig kong bumubulong.

Pagkatapos ay may 2 lalaking nakauniporme ang humawak sa akin at iniluklok ako sa isang silyang dati'y nakikita ko lamang sa mga diyaryo at telebisyon. Ngunit ngayo'y ako na ang sapo nito --- ang silyang may tila helmet na isinuklob sa akin at nakapagbigay sa akin ng ganap na katahimikan…

this was the turning point of my life...

July 14, 2003
Monday
11:40 am
Del Carmen, Lubao, Pampanga

It was just last week that I’ve faced the most tragic incident in my life, which almost, almost killed me. Today, as I start my new life (for this is definitely my new life), the memories of the events are too vivid…

Friday, the 11th of July, 1:00 pm, I had my last natural manure, as Jonas and I jammed. Later that day, at 5:00 pm, my girlfriend, Chez and I went to SM City Manila (as we usually do after class), to canvass cell phones for Chez to buy a new one. But suddenly, I had this strange feeling in my body frame that strucked me, not permitting me to move well --- a stomachache. It was 6:00 by then that I told my girl what I felt. She asked me not to continue the canvassing. But because I thought it was just the ‘usual’ stomachache that everybody feels (which I feel rarely), I insisted to pursue it. At 7:00 pm, we decided to go home and at 7:45 pm, we parted ways. I thank Chris, my classmate for lending me his 2nd book of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, for because of that book, I forgot the ‘stomachache’ even for just a while riding a public jeepney.

From the time I’ve went down from the jeepney, the ‘usual’ stomachache that I thought developed into a more painful ache. The moment I’ve reached home, I paused for a while and lie down before changing clothes. After changing, I thought of eating supper for that is the thing I must do for that moment, but wasn’t able to for the pain is already excruciating. What I did was lay down my bed and rest again, for I thought, the reason of the hurting is the air from my stomach. An hour had passed and still, it is excruciating. Later on, I went to the comfort room to do the ‘usual thing,’ which I normally do early in the morning. But to my surprise, nothing went out, even air, which I expected to come out. I started to doubt at that moment that something was wrong, that what I am feeling, is not the ‘usual’ stomachache everyone feels. At 11:00 pm, though, I took supper still, for I know, I’ll need it BADLY. From that night till dawn, I didn’t sleep.

Saturday, 7 o’clock, I got up, fixed myself and went to Masagana (a mini shopping mall in Ermita Taft), to meet the new students who will audition in our dance group, Computer Engineering Dancers. For at that day, I had a lot of activities to do. At 9:00, I’ll participate in a qualifying exam for the official publication of the Recognized Student Organizations in Adamson University, Ugnayan, a seminar will be next after the exams, then our dance rehearsals. At that evening, we are to go to our choreographer’s condo to finish some dance steps. But because of the unchanged condition of my stomach, I decided not to attend any activity on that day, because I know, there is something wrong in me. Then, I told myself, I’ll go home --- to Pampanga! At 10:00 am, I held a jeepney and went to the room we’re renting in Quezon City. I arrived at 10:45. I then arranged my things --- my books, toothbrush, deo, and stuff. But with the pain I feel, I decided to rest even for just an hour.

One o’clock pm, and I am inside a bus rolling its wheels through the concrete hi-way to Pampanga, thank God, I was able to sleep while I was in the bus. At 4 pm, I’ve reached home, surprising my mom with an unusual appearance. It’s obvious that something was hurting me (and as my mother, she feels it), my body. Striking the question, what’s the matter with me, I immediately told her what I felt. Then my mother told me to take lunch for I lost my appetite and didn’t eat anything from the time I woke up. After eating, she told me to take a rest and take a medicine (a painkiller which is also responsible for farting). We’ve waited then for me to fart for we all believe the cause of my ‘stomachache,’ is the bulky air in my tummy. We’ve waited and waited, but nothing happened. Tatay then decided to insert a suppository in my anus for me to fart. Yet nothing happened. Still, I suffer from the pain in the mid-section of my body. Unaware what is the cause of pain, I still managed to take even a bit of my dinner for I really lost my appetite. My aunt gave me a drug that could stop the ‘ache.’ Later that night, I had a fever. I even vomited. I was petrified! Asking my mom ‘bout the pamphlet about Hepatitis A, my pediatrician gave me when I had the illness, I suspected that Hepatitis is attacking me again (for its main symptoms are vomiting, fever, and lost of appetite). But after reading the pamphlet, I dismissed that thought for I didn’t turned yellowish, and slept quite well, maybe because of the drug my aunt gave me and my girlfriend’s father’s text message, telling me to get well.

Eight o’clock am of July 6, I woke up with the same pain I am feeling for the last 38 hours. But this time, the pain lowered down, leaving the section of my abdomen. At that moment, I called my mom. Yet, because of my voice, which appears to be a whisper, I just decided to wake up go downstairs. But because of the pain, I just found myself lying on the floor, holding my tummy with that appearance of a shrimp. My mom then found my state and hurried to comfort me. She was too agitated. Her care was all I needed at that moment. She told me not to worry for we will see a doctor. And at 9:30 in the morning, we’re drivin’ to a private doctor’s clinic.

Dr. Fernando, whose clinic stands in the heart of Sta. Cruz, Lubao, was the first physician who checked me up. He asked the history how I felt --- when I started feeling it, what did we do to lessen the pain, and what I feel at that moment. He pinned my stomach and asked me what part is hurting whenever he pin it. I was surprised when he pinned the lower right of the mid-section of my body and gasped, for it was the first time I noticed that it really hurts a lot. He then told us, my mother and I, that it was 60% appendicitis. But he refused to diagnose me at that point and told us to let my blood and urine tested. After few minutes, after we went to the nearest laboratory, we handed-in the results of the tests to the doctor. Dr. Fernando told us it was NOT YET appendicitis for they found out in the results that I have Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). He advised us to still observe my condition after taking his prescribed medicines. He told us that if I still feel the pain the next day, they must take me to the hospital for further observations and stop the intake pf the drugs he prescribed.

It was 12;00 that we reached home and told everyone what was the result of the check-up. But it was just 3 hours later, the pain I felt moved into a more agonizing state. My father told me to insert suppository for we all believed it’ll be gone after I did the usual thing or just fart. For we know, it was just the bulky air in my tummy because the doctor just told us that nothing was wrong in my stomach, save for UTI and we all suspected it was part of the symptoms. But instead or farting or so, I vomited. Then, the pain starts to kill me. Excruciating isn’t the apt word to describe what I felt at that moment, for it was far more than excruciating --- it’s as if it’s already knocking me out. I never saw my mom as worried as that moment. I was hugging her tightly --- as tight as I could at that point. ‘Masakit’ was the only word I can utter. It was as if I am in the state of innocence --- that all I know and concerned of is the word ‘MASAKIT.’ Tears feel from my suffering eyes unconsciously. It was the most painful day in my life that I even wished to be just dead! I can feel that something in my stomach was getting numb. My hands started to feel numb too. Then, I just found myself being carried into the car for I can’t even walk or just stand.

It was the fastest drive to the hospital for the people inside the car except for me. Because for me, it was the longest travel I ever had in my entire life. Every time we pass through a rough road, I utter a silent scream. When we reached the hospital, Tatay carried me up to the emergency room for there were no stretch chairs available. Doctors came near us by the time I was laid in a bed. And asked my mom and I what is wrong in me. Same procedure as Dr. Fernando, the doctor pinned his finger in my stomach. “It is appendicitis,” they said silently. With no further talking, a doctor came to me and told me he’s going to insert some hoses --- the dextrose, cat titer, and a hose, which will be inserted from my nose down through my abdomen (in which I’ve learned was called a lavage…if I can spell it right). The dextrose went first for they found out that I was already dehydrated because of the infection. Then, a hose was inserted to my nose, and afterwards, a hose through my penis. It hurts a lot. Especially, the hose was inserted 5 times or so in my penis for it always puffs out. Finally, after 4 attempts, it’s a success. I even asked the doctor if I still can reproduce to ease the tension I feel for my penis really hurts (man! If you could just imagine!) --- a lot!!!

It’s 7:00 pm that night, I found myself waiting outside the operating room, lying in a stretch chair. I felt silence even though I can hear people talking at quite a distant. It was the time for me to reflect. I told myself that after that day, I am already okay --- that it’s just like doing a tough dance rehearsal. I asked God to guide me and it’s all in His hands, that what He wants will reign. Then, at 7:20 pm, a guy rolled me in room. I then told myself, “This is it.” But to my surprise, I saw no one in the room except, perhaps, the apparatus and tools which may be used in my operation. Then the “bag” responsible for my urine slid from the bed I was transferred, pulling the hose from my penis and dropped itself on the floor. I looked at the hose to check if it was still in its proper place. But sadly, it came out again. Another agony! But I want to urinate --- I really wanted to --- badly! I called a doctor, a nurse. I even said ‘TAO PO!,’ to catch anyone’s attention. But 10 minutes had passed and no one answered me. I already felt that my urinary tract was full. And at last! After 20 minutes of suffering, a doctor came to me and told me to just urinate. But I can’t. Lying in bed and urinating? Uh… it’s disgusting! Then the doctor gave me a small trashcan and told me to urinate there. I have no choice --- I have to stand. To my amazement, I was able to stand straight easily. Then the doctor left me and I was able to release the cause of my temporary agony.

At 7:50 pm, my surgeon, who will be my doctor, Dr. Canlapan, inserted the cat titer again through my sex organ. Rushing through the door were the assistants of Dr. Canlapan and my anesthesiologist, Dr. Gutierrez. They started asking me while taking my blood pressure and body temperature. They asked if I had asthma or a heart disease, which I haven’t and if I was hospitalized. But even once in my life, I was never confined in a hospital except at that moment. Then, jokingly, I told the doctor (my anesthesiologist), that I want him to let me sleep while I am being operated. “Of course. But I’ll tell you when,” he answered.

The time was 8:15 pm, when Dr. Gutierrez, my anesthesiologist injected anesthesia through my spine --- at the lower section. The doctor told me it’ll quite hurt. “But after the injection,” as he added, “you won’t feel anything anymore.” But because of the many pain I felt that day, I didn’t find the injection painful. After 10 minutes, the lower part of my body felt numb --- from the section of my abdomen down to my toes’ nails. The doctor then told me it’s ok for me to sleep and then put oxygen on my nose. But to my surprise, I didn’t slept. I was wide-awake at the whole operation. At that moment, I felt safe --- secured. For at that moment in time, I know it’ll be over. The spider near the rounded shaped fluorescent lamp at the ceiling was the only thing I am looking at while the doctors were doing their thing. Upon opening the mid-section of my body and pulling my intestines out, the doctors were moved. I can hear them discuss things. They asked each other why were my intestines already like that. A doctor said the appendix was already 3 days. Then, I heard them vacuum my intestines (if my perception was right). From that moment on, my upper body started to shake --- like an epileptic. And at 8:55 pm, they closed the opened mid-section of my body and at 9 o’clock, they rolled me through the recovery room.

The time was pass 12:00 but I am not sure if it’s still nighttime. I consider it was already afternoon. I still can’t feel the half of my body. I even touched and pinched it to see if it’s still there (mahirap na!). Then, I reckoned what the doctor said. My appendix was already ruptured --- the infection started to scatter around my internal organs. Lucky for me for we still managed to be in time, or else, I’m dead. Dead. Dead? I never thought even once that my condition was already fatal except at that moment. But perhaps because I was still not conscious at that point, I care less ‘bout what might have happened. And one more thing is that my body is still shaking because of the anesthesia. All I care at that moment is the fact that I’m already safe…

I don’t know if the one checking me --- getting my BP, body temperature, injecting medicines and painkiller as she says --- was a nurse or a doctor. When she checked my body temperature, I heard her say, ’39.3.’ Then, she left my bed and came back telling me she’ll give me paracetamol for my fever.

Every now and then, Tatay always checks me because I am alone with no relatives in the recovery room. A relative only comes in when I need something. The first time I was transferred to the recovery room, it was my mom who attended me. She was shocked upon seeing me shaking. I immediately told her it was the effect of anesthesia in my body. Nut she still asked a doctor to make sure. After that, it was already my father --- he was the one checking my condition every now and then, asking the nurses/doctors what’s my state.

3:00, 6:00 pm, and still, I am in the recovery room. When Tatay came in to check me, I asked him why I am still inside that room. Why were the other patients just spent 2 or 3 hours in that room? Then, Tatay told me he didn’t know and went out. I then remembered that I was critical and thought perhaps, that the doctors were still observing my condition.

At last, at 9 o’clock am of July 8, I went down already to my (surgery) ward. The room was 109. There 6 beds in the room --- 3 at the right and left as well. Mine was the first bed at the right, touching the wall upon entering the room. The room was quite pleasant and clean. It has complete lightings and ventilation. It was on the first floor, found at the end of the aisle.

I know, the moment I was laid in my bed at the ward, I was already safe --- far from dying. But I still suffer from the hoses inserted in my body. I still don’t talk normal because of the hose inserted in my nose down to my abdomen. And of course, can’t move well because of my cat titer (the hose inserted in my sex organ). It was the second day that I don’t do anything but just lie in bed. I was still not permitted to sit or stand. Most of the time, I do sign languages to signal my mom some of my needs. That afternoon, the mid-section of my body throbbed again. It was excruciating. I grabbed my mom’s hand and pressed it when the pain attacks. My father then went out and called the nurse. Then, the nurse told me t’was normal. My intestines by then were arranging themselves to go back to their original position because the operation needed to pull out my intestines. We will know if they were in their proper position if I farted. Then, the nurse gave me a painkiller after 3 or 4 hours. Afterwards, I farted but I still can feel the air in my stomach.

The hose inserted in my nose drains wastes from my stomach. The first day t’was inserted, I almost fill the half of the one-liter bottle. Then, at the second day, a new bottle was replaced. I enjoyed looking at the hose whenever I inhaled, for when I inhale, liquid rush out through the hose, out to the bottle. There were three colors of liquid, which came out. The first one, which came out from the moment the hose was inserted was black, with that of pepsi; second is water clear, with that of sprite; and the last, orange, with that of royal.

A doctor, which happens to be one of my doctors (for we’ve learned that every patient has group of doctors depending on what color they belong, so all the doctors which belongs to that color are all doctors of the patient), Dr. Canlapan, told his assistant to remove the cat titer and the hose in my nose. I was relieved. At last I can move quite well (quite because I still have my dextrose). When the doctor told me, I can drink water and a biscuit. Yet, after I drank and ate biscuit, my stomach got bigger, as if it’ll explode. Tita Aning, which happens to accompany me that day, because my mother went home to get some of our stuffs, but will also return that afternoon, hurried to call a nurse. The nurse told me I musn’t be eating anything yet, except drink a small amount of water. Afterwards, she instructed me to change position every time for me to fart, because I am still lying in my bed and still can’t manage to rise. Gladly and relieving, I farted.

It was only on the fourth day, Wednesday, when my mom knew that my condition was already fatal after asking the doctor why was my surgery done under my navel down (with that of a caesarian). My surgery was almost 4 inches (3.5 to be exact), and contained 15 staple wires. The diagnosis of my condition was Petripiti Generalized Ruptured AP and the suggested operation was Generalized Appendectomy, as stated in my chart. My mom told me no one was permitted to read the chart except the nurses, interns, and doctors. But because it really caught my curiosity, I read it when no attendant is around.

When my father and mother washed my hair and shampoo it, one of my intern-nurses (because I have 2 --- Mark Anthony, a 3rd year, and Melody, a 4th year from Angeles University Foundation), Melody, asked if I was the only child. Maybe, because I was too much taken cared by my parents. And I am very much lucky and happy for that --- having the most, MOST wonderful, loving, and caring parents in the entire universe! I can’t ask for anything more!

It was Friday, my 5th day at the Jose B. Lingad Memorial Hospital, a.k.a., JBL, when my dextrose was removed. We were only waiting for our bill, and then we will be discharged. But because the doctor wans’t able to write in my chart, “for billing,” we weren’t able to have the bill and we’ll have to stay at the hospital until Saturday and wait for our bill.

Saturday. And I was too excited to get home. It was the very first time I felt bored staying in the hospital. I texted Elaine and told her I wasn’t home yet (for they are planning to visit me that day together with some classmates). I suggested that they would just come over on Sunday because we weren’t sure what time I will be discharged. But Elaine told me that I have to text Chez (my girlfriend) to tell her I wasn’t yet discharged. I don’t know what I felt at that moment --- too excited? Too happy? I don’t know! I then texted Chez and told her. Then she told me they wouldn’t go anymore. And I understand. They have loads of things to do. They have to rush dance rehearsals. I then texted Richie how was the practice going on, and told he me they weren’t yet starting. Afterwards, Chez what hospital I was in and asked why they were too slow in discharging patients. Later on, Elemer texted me too, also asking me what hospital I was in and told me he knew someone at the hospital.

While waiting to be discharged, I read my cell phone’s inbox. Suddenly, my father broke in, and told me my classmates were waiting outside. Tatay told me I can go outside since there were no visitors allowed on that hospital for SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) prevention.

By the time I’ve reached the door and outside, I was moved --- not because I was frightened or something but because I was shocked, for the people I saw --- my friends, especially my girlfriend. I felt by then that my world had stopped for seconds. I don’t know what to feel. Suddenly, my eyes were starting to secrete liquid. But no. I don’t want to be demonstrative. Then, my mom tapped and guided me outside. I then too a deep breath, and whalla…! I stopped the tears, which were about to fall. When I got close with my friends, who traveled from Manila to Pampanga just to see me, we just looked at each other uttering not even a single word. After seconds, they laughed and I smiled, ‘coz I still can’t laugh --- not because I don’t feel happy, but because I have to control it for it’ll hurt a lot to my surgery.

Chez, my girlfriend, and Princess, Jam, Elmer, and Richie were my good friends. I never expected they will come that far just to see me. God knows how I longed for them --- I missed them. Then, suddenly, I just see them right in front of my very eyes, took a lot of effort to find me (for they haven’t been to any place in Pampanga). I was too touched! I felt very much important. They really love me! And I love them too. Then, Jonas, also my good friend, called me and extended his apology for he weren’t able to go with them. Well, it’s okay. At least, he called me.

It was just when I was already discharged and got home when I fully realize what happened and might happen to me. I then reflected. I almost bid goodbye to the world; almost stopped me to see its beauty. Then I thanked God for giving me a new life. My mind was opened by then that it’s too easy to lose your heartbeat and lie in a casket peacefully --- but you barely know when, how, and where it will take place.

Now, as I start my new life, I always assess my actions. What if my tomorrow never comes and left things undone? Ah… I won’t let it happen --- this is my second, beautiful life…

July 31, 2003
Thursday
11:14 pm
1076 Trini St.
Ermita, Manila